Dear Gary | October

Across Africa, millions of Christians are suffering a Bible famine. They hunger for God's Word, but there simply aren't enough Bibles. Today, Timothy Project is close to launching Africa's first Bible web press. To help complete this project, visit timothyproject.info. We're finding ourselves in an immense amount of guilt because you know we're living in sin every day.

I don't know how to move forward due to her fear and bitterness. My husband was working hand in hand with God and helping me get through it. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's our Dear Gary broadcast for the very last day of October.

Time to open phone lines and hear your questions about love languages, your marriage, singles issues, and more. And if you want to ask questions for a future broadcast, call this number one eight six six four two four Gary. Eight six six four two four four two seven nine. Each week we have a featured resource, and with Thanksgiving approaching, we have a book by author Stu Epperson titled "Thanks Living." I see a familiar name of the person who wrote the foreword to that book, Doctor Gary Chapman. This is a topic you really believe in, right, Gary?

Well, I really do, Chris. Of course, I've known the author for a long, long time. Knew his father beforehand. He was one of the owners of Salem Radio Network and so forth, and his son Stu, who wrote this book, is also into radio, has a number of stations, Christian stations, and but when I saw the book and the idea, not just Thanksgiving Day, you know, because we all are aware of that, but thanks living as a way of life. And he based the whole thing on one Thessalonians chapter five and verse eighteen.

You know, which says, "In everything, give thanks." When I read the book, I thought, "Oh man, this is what I mean." Every Christian needs to read this book because we need to be thankful, you know. And even in hard situations, we can look for things for which we can be thankful. We can't always thank God. I don't think honestly about you know really tragic things that happen in our lives, but we can look for things associated with that that we can give thanks for. And so, yeah, I think this book will help any anyone who really wants to follow the Scriptures in this particular area, and that is looking for things to give thanks and giving thanks to God, and see how that will transform your life when you have that kind of mindset, whatever circumstance you're in, up, down, or in the middle.

Find out more about the book at BuildingRelationships.us. It's titled "Thanks Living: Embracing." The power of gratitude every day. Just go to buildingrelationships.us.

Well, Gary, let's begin with a question about a couple. They've changed spiritual direction and now they need a little advice. I'm calling because me and my boyfriend, we have three kids together. We live together. We've been together for seven years, going on.

And we've recently found our journey with Jesus, and we've recently said yes to Jesus, and we're finding ourselves in an immense amount of guilt because you know we're living in sin every day. We are questioning what we should do in this case scenario where we you know live together. He's the primary breadwinner in the house, and it's just not an option to not live together, given that we have three kids alive together. We've been together for so long. And it's getting hard to not give in to temptation because we are trying to do it the way God intended, meaning we've been, you know, staying clear of each other in an intimate way, but.

We it makes it harder because we live together and there's just temptation living together. We sleep in the same bed and stuff like that.

So it's definitely been hard. We've been doing very well at fighting that temptation, but we're wondering what your opinion is in a situation like ours where we do want to get married, but it's just a financial thing at this point, and it's hard to not feel like I'm being materialistic in choosing to not get married right this moment because we can't afford it. Would your advice be to just go to a courthouse, get married, make it legal the way God intended? Because it's hard to not feel like we're just living in sin every day, not being married, having the kids together, and living together.

So we're just wondering, what would your advice be for a family in our situation where we got saved after already doing all the things, having kids, and having a whole life together? Thank you so much, and I look forward to hearing the answer to this.

Well, Chris, first of all, I will admire this couple for coming to Christ. Out of you know their sinful lifestyle, all of us came out of sin. We were all sinners, and we came to Christ. And some things that that many people have done through the years before they became Christians were certainly you know not biblical things. And so we can't change the past.

But what I am admiring is that not only, first of all, they've given their lives to Christ now, and now they want to do what's right, you know, and that's that's the desire of every Christian. I think if we're in fellowship with God, we want to do whatever God has has laid down for us. If He said don't do it, we don't want to do it. If He said do it, we want to do it. Because we know that all the commands of God really flow out of His love for us, He wants us to have the best possible life on earth, and that's why He gave us the guidelines that He's laid down in Scriptures, you know.

And so I can understand the, you know, the the wrestling that they're doing with, and especially apparently the sense that they don't have enough money to get to get married. What what are your thoughts on this, Chris? I felt the same way. It's like yes, yes, you've you've followed. You've you have forgiveness for your sin.

You have a new name written down in glory, like that old song said. But then I thought the enemy is at work here because the enemy wants you to live in shame and guilt. And when you do get married, he wants you to live in that shame and guilt and think, "Oh, we should have done this, we should have done that." And so, my my first thought is, it's fantastic that you've taken this step and that you're following Jesus and that you're asking this question. Because a lot of people would just, you know, keep on going and and never, you know, never do anything about it. And we'll get married down the road.

So I'd I'd have a couple of questions. What does he think? You know how how is he handling this? Because she is the one who's calling here, and what is the the pastor of your church if you're involved? Maybe they're not involved in a church.

I don't know, because you and I can have an opinion about. You go to the justice of the peace today. You know, get this handled. But the person who is on the ground in that church near them, who knows them, who's going to walk with them, you know, forward, might have the best advice for them because of that knowledge. What do you think of that?

Yeah, I think that would be a wise thing if they are involved in a church is to talk with the pastor about it because obviously the pastor would certainly agree that it's biblical to be married before having sex and having children. But also the pastor realizes that we cannot change the past, you know, but we can thank God that it is forgiven. A holy God has forgiven us, and consequently, now He wants us to walk closely with Him. And I think the pastor, you know, if if the pastor knows and they share this with him, I think he would his advice would be to yes, get let let's get marriage time to do that now. And you know, a marriage doesn't have to be expensive.

I mean, I know we think about you know the typical marriage in which all the families come and all that sort of thing, which is fine. Not opposed to that, and it is very expensive in today's world to have that kind of marriage. But having a having a ceremony with the pastor of the church and a few of your friends or or family, if you if your family is nearby, it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. But what you're doing is you're formally in the presence of God and some witnesses. There has to be witnesses.

You're making that commitment, and you're Joining yourselves together in a covenant relationship, and you know the other thing, Chris. I'd like to say it doesn't relate specifically to her, but in our culture, we know that there are many, many couples that are living together who have not been married, and the vast majority of them end up not getting married, and many of those who do eventually get married divorce.

So living together before marriage, and I know the philosophy.

Well, let's get to know each other first, you know, and then see if we want to get married. But you can't, you can't make a decision based on getting married and seeing how it's going to work out, because the reality is, as I said, most of those couples don't get married, and and now they've got the shame or whatever that has gone with that when they become Christians, at least, and and also they've got to deal with you know, here we go again, and how many times are you going to do this with how many different people, and how is That different from prostitution? You know, a lot of questions there. Yeah, and there's study after study after study, not just from Christian people, but in the secular society that say cohabitation is not, it doesn't help your relationship later on.

So, would you if they if you were talking with her live here today, would you say just go to justice of the peace, get this cared for, and then and then Come back and have a ceremony later on, or would you? Would you say go to the pastor and talk with the pastor? I think if they are involved in a church, I would go to the pastor first. If they're not involved in the church, then I would say yes. It just go to the justice of the peace and get married.

It's not. It's financially. It's not going to cost a lot of money at all, and and you are legally married. You made that kind of commitment. But as Christians, I think it's always best to have a wedding in the context of a pastor.

You know who knows the biblical teachings on marriage and who would certainly appreciate. What you're saying, and would certainly be willing, I would think, to perform a ceremony for you.

So that's that. That would be my start there. If you have, if you have a church, and I understand you can be a Christian and not yet involved in a church, but if you do, I would. That's where I would say start. Our next caller has a practical love language question.

Here's her call. Hi, Gary. My two adult children's love language is quality time. Who can I speak their language, their love language since they're adults? Thank you.

Well, that's a good question, and a lot of issues there that I would would not know. That is, if they live in town, for example, or live close to you, it's much easier to spend quality time. You know, having them over to your house, or going out and have dinner with them, or lunch with them, and that sort of thing. Relatively easy if they're living, you know, close by.

Now, if they live, of course. Hundreds of miles away from you, which is true of many adult children today, that's a different issue. But with technology, it's much easier today than it would have been fifty years ago to give quality time to your adult children because we can Facetime now. You can actually see them and talk to them at the same time, and that's quality time. They have your undivided attention.

You can be discussing anything. You know, my granddaughter, for example, calls my wife, who is her grandmother, every Sunday afternoon at three o'clock, and they both look forward to it and share their week with each other. You know, and that's that's quality time.

So.

Now, that's assuming, of course, that you have a good relationship with your adult children and that they are open, you know, to to talk with you and spend time with you. Obviously, spending time physically. At least in my mind, is always more intimate because you can see each other, you can see the facial expression, you can reach out and and and give them a hug if you want to, and that sort of thing.

So I would say if they live close to you, I would take the initiative to invite them. To a lunch or to your home for a meal or whatever, it didn't have to be a meal, you know. But their schedule and your schedule has to be worked out. Obviously, if they have a full time job, then you know you have a full time job. But there's always time if they live close by to schedule quality time with with your adult children.

I love that question that she is thinking about that, and my guess is that Carolyn, when she talks with your granddaughter, she has questions about what they've talked about the week before and what was coming up and what happened with this.

So you're connected on a heart level, and and you spend time together. That helps, right? Yeah, absolutely. The more regularly that you interface with your adult children, verbally or physically, the the closer the the bond is, because you both are sharing your life with each other, and you can pray for each other more effectively because you you know what they're going through, what they where they may need prayer, and they will do the same for you.

So it is important, I think, with our adult children that. We understand their primary love language, and we make every effort.

Now, we can't control our adult children, and sometimes their adult children that that choose not to spend a whole lot of time with their with their parents for whatever reason. But if it's a healthy relationship, then it's always positive to speak their primary love language. Let them know you still love them. You're not trying to control them. And when you have these conversations, you are not telling them what they ought to do.

That's God's that's God's responsibility, not unless they ask for your advice.

Now, if they ask for your advice in in your conversation, certainly, then you can give your advice, or you could ask if they share a problem. Would you Would you like to know my thoughts on that? And if they say no, no, I don't think so.

Well, then just respect that because they're adults, and we're not there to tell them what to do. We did that when they were children, but we don't do that now. We have to give them the freedom to be their live their lives, and I think that's an important thing for parents to recognize. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman here on the very last day of October, our dear Gary broadcast, and we're taking calls from our listener line.

If you want to add your voice, eight six six four two four Gary, go to the website buildingrelationships.us. We have some great resources there for you. Our next call is about a deep marriage struggle from a husband's perspective, Gary. Hi Gary, my marriage is extremely dysfunctional. Many of my choices had destructive consequences.

I have gone to counseling and have sought repent. I want to move forward in our marriage and life in general. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling, but she refuses, saying these are not marriage problems, but heart problems. She says I'm. With my words, and not serve in a church or be allowed to be a sister.

I don't know how to move forward due to her fear and bitterness. What would you suggest? There were there was a little drop out there, Gary, in his call, but I think you got the gist of what he had to say. This rift that is between him and his wife. Yeah, and it seems like that the foundation was that he apparently did some things that he regrets that he did, and she's having a hard time, perhaps you know, processing all of those, and perhaps still, at least that's what I gathered.

Still feeling that he is doing or. Saying things that are hurtful or painful to her, if that is the case, indeed, then he needs to listen. He needs to try to see her perspective, not argue with her, but to say, "I want to understand what you're feeling," and listen, and ask questions, and let her share her feelings and her hurt and her struggles, because unless we listen empathetically. That is listening to understand where they're coming from, rather than listening in order to be defensive and tell them well they're thinking wrong or that's not true or that you know that got this leads to an argument. But when we can listen long enough to say, you know, honey, I think I understand what you're saying, and I can see how you would still be struggling with that.

And honestly, I struggle with it too. But I know God has forgiven me, and I really want to make life different in the future. I hope you can see that, you know those kind of conversations. But if you're if you are in fact being defensive when she brings up something, then you're just keeping it alive. But when you're empathetic and share understanding of her thoughts and feelings, you you when we feel understood, that's if a person's Struggling—that's what they need most: is to feel understood and accepted.

You know, not not condemning them for the way they feel. It would be ideal, I think. Yes, if she would go for counseling, but that's not abnormal. That one partner could be the husband or the wife is willing to go for counseling, and the other, for whatever reason, is not willing to go for counseling. Again, you can't make your spouse go for counseling, but I would I would encourage you to continue to go for counseling.

It appears to me, Chris, that he has already had some counseling; has found that helpful, because you. Need an outside person, and especially a counseling type person, that can help you wrestle with what you're feeling and your experience and your frustration. You know, with her. But I think another thing I would say is, if you know her love language, speak her love language. It doesn't matter how she's responding.

Because the scriptures tell us, love the unlovely. We're to love the way God loves, and that's loving the unlovely, and speaking her primary love language is the most. Most positive influence you can have on her, and if you don't know her love language or you don't know what I'm talking about, I would suggest you read the book, "The 5 Love Languages" . Many couples have said to me, "You know, Gary, that book saved our marriage. Fifteen years ago or twenty years ago, we were ready ready to give up, and we read that book, and the lights came on, and God used it to change our marriage, because." One of our deepest emotional needs is the need to feel loved, and if your wife does not feel loved, then you know she's she's going to have emotional struggles.

So that that those are my thoughts, Chris. What I hear you saying then, if I can use that vernacular, what I hear you saying is if his Goal is to move on and to get past her bitterness, and this is he can do that. That can be your goal, but if your goal is to move toward her and try to restore this relationship, then her words to you about this is not a marriage problem; it's a heart problem. Is something that he needs to listen to and process and probe, then and ask her, okay. What do you mean by the heart problem?

And tell me more about that, and then listen. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's where a counselor can help him learn how to do that, because by nature, we listen in order to give an answer. You know, we listen to tell them they're right or they're wrong, and we get defensive, and that just prolongs the problem. But listening with a view to fully understanding, or as much as we can, understanding where they're coming from, you know what they're feeling and why they're feeling that, and not condemning them for those thoughts and those feelings, but to say, you know, I can see now, you know, why you would feel that way, and I can see why it's hard for you to get over that, honey.

So I'm just, I hope you'll pray for me that God will help me because I, I do not want to fall back into the kind of behavior that that brought on all this pain. I think there's a clue in in some of the things that she said. That the words that he's used have hurt her, and maybe words of affirmation. You know, maybe that's her love language, and why this is such a deep wound for her.

So we'll leave it right there. Thank you for being open and honest with us. Our first couple of calls, three calls now, open and honest. Let's go to our next caller. Who heard our program last month, and a call from a wife who was upset that her husband wouldn't let her know where he's put some of their money.

This caller has a suggestion of what could have happened. Hi, Gary. I just wanted to respond to the lady who had called earlier. The first thing that popped in my head, and because I have witnessed this myself, is dementia. He starts getting very, very forgetful.

Misplacing things, and it may be truly that he does not know what he did with the money. You know, her getting counseling is very wise counseling, but I think that that she may need to explore that possibility also. And I thank you for listening to my comment. Bye bye.

Well, Chris, that's interesting because when you've been through something like that, you know, you've had a spouse who who has dementia and and and can't remember a lot of things. It would be kind of logical to think, oh, well, maybe maybe her husband's having the same problem that my husband had, you know, and that's certainly a possibility. And so, if if the lady who called in earlier is listening, it's worth giving some thought to that. Perhaps there is something to that. I gathered from the question that was asked that that he he was just refusing.

He didn't have any mental problems, but he was just refusing to tell her what he had done because he probably thought she would be very much opposed to it, and you know they'd be into an argument, and so he he just you know was deciding not to tell her. But that's not, of course, in my opinion, wise because. Husbands and wives are one, and when it comes to money, it is our money, not your money and my money. It doesn't matter who is quote making the money; it's our money because we are one, and we need to be open and honest with each other about what we're doing with money. That's true on both sides, husband and wife.

I can't believe you remember these questions from month to month, but you you hit the nail on the head. And I, in in my mind, as we were listening to that question last month, I thought, well, I wonder if this could be something that's going on with him, and he's ashamed, you know, that he can't remember this or that kind of thing. But it was the way that she framed the question, the caller last month, that led me to agree with you and what you've just said. But that might help somebody else who's listening right.

Now, who has a spouse who's exhibiting some of these behavior patterns, and so put that in the storehouse of knowledge. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. Thanks for listening and for telling others about the conversations that we have here. Find out more ways to strengthen your relationships at BuildingRelationships.us.

Our featured resource today is the book by Stu Eperson. The forward is by Dr. Chapman. It's titled Thanks Living. Embracing the power of gratitude every day.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us, or you can find us at fivelovelanguages.com. And if you'd like to be on a future Dear Gary broadcast, ask your question or leave a comment at this number: eight six six four two four Gary one eight six six four two four four two seven nine. Here's a question I don't think we've ever received, Gary, and it has to do with our caller's disability. Hi, Gary. I am a mother, grandmother of sixty-eight, and I became blind in twenty seventeen.

My question is, how does one myself deal with adult children and grandchildren? Regarding because I'm pretty much independent too, but times I go into an environment that I may not know that environment, so I'm really I go by faith, not by sight.

So it's kind of hard to deal with that kind of circumstances. God bless you.

Well, Chris, I think for those of us who are not blind, it's hard even to imagine. The world, when you cannot see, and I have yeah, I have a couple of friends who who are blind, and again, it's hard to enter that world and even conceive of what it's like to live without sight. What is so wonderful is that there are many, many blind people who have a close relationship with God, and this this caller is probably one of them. And they're they're coping, they're coping with their own blindness, you know. But apparently, there's there's some I don't know what the dynamics are between her and her adult children.

Did you pick up on that? It sounds like she really wants to move toward them, but there's some fear. There's a little anxiety about. I don't know the makeup of their house, like she knows her own, and so maybe you know she's asking, "What request can I make of them for when I go into that situation?" Yeah, and that would be a matter of being open and honest about where she is, you know, and especially since she's only been blind since twenty seventeen. I don't mean only, but she's not hasn't been blind from birth, you know.

She had sight, and her life was one way.

Now she's lost sight, and her life is very different.

So I think to be honest with our children is would be one thing to say. You know, I would love to if they say, "Would you come for dinner?" I would love to, but you know, somebody will have to, you know. And she explains what somebody will have to do for her to make that happen. And when I get there, you'll have to lead me to the table, or you'll have to do this, or have to do that, because they're adjusting to it also. You know, if they had a life with her when she could see, and now they have a life with her as blind, so it's an adjustment for them as well.

But again, this is where communication becomes so important, in which we're sharing with each other our thoughts and our feelings, our struggles. Our joys, you know. Go back to that Thanksgiving thing, thanking God. You know, I can still walk, Lord. I can't see, but I can walk.

You know, and I can think. And there's, you know, so many things to give thanks for. Not thanking God that you're blind, but thanking God that there are a lot of other things in your life for which you can give thanks. And so, asking Him to use your present situation and use you in the present situation. Because, as Christians, God wants us to be having a positive impact on the world, and so our attitude and what we do with our time and our abilities or our disabilities, you know, God can help us and show us how even where we are, He wants to use us, and of course.

You are a mother or a grandmother, and depending on if you have grandchildren, well, you are. If you're a grandmother, you have grandchildren, okay? And if they're young, they may have difficulty understanding. You know, you can't see, grandmother. Don't you see the blue?

Don't you see the yellow? I mean, that would be interesting conversations with young with young children. You know, older children have been exposed. To the reality of blindness, and they're they're a little more, you know, of course, accepting of it, even though they don't always know kind of how to how to navigate. Do I talk about grandmother's blindness, or do I not talk about it?

But I think being open and honest, you know, where you are helps them to be open and honest in their responses to you. I like what you said about the the colors because I think you know inviting her for Thanksgiving dinner, for example, and she sits down at the table.

Okay, now everything's okay.

Well, no, it's not okay because now how does she know where the food is going to be on her plate? Does she get it, or does somebody put it there? And how does she know where the broccoli salad is? You know, all that those kinds of things.

So, being able her vulnerability then enables. Others to come alongside her and to help her, and that may be part of the struggle as well. I'm not saying this for her, but you don't want to be vulnerable. You don't want to need help. You want to do this on your own, and in her situation, she can't.

So that's really I'm very grateful for that that call and that struggle. I have another one, and this came into the Bold Steps team at Moody. But I want to get your take on this, Gary. A mom says my daughter is an only child. I raised her on my own from the time she was twelve.

She has now estranged me. It was a year in June. She's twenty-seven. She's married. I I walked her down the aisle.

She is my life. I have reached out with no response from her or her husband as to why. He has only said that she will reach out when she is ready. We were best of friends. When she got married, she started to change.

I'm not a perfect mom by any means, but I worked two jobs to provide for her. We had disagreements and didn't always see eye to eye, just like any family. I've always tried to lead by good example. Never did drugs. Never smoked.

Drank once in a while, but nothing crazy. I know my relationships with men weren't always the best, but I would always tell her I want more for her. I haven't always will continue to be here for her. I don't know what to do. What does God say about estrangement?

Will I hear from her again? I need peace, direction, and to feel loved, and to know everything will be okay. What do you say?

Well, first of all, I feel for this mother because any time we have children, adult children, who cut us off, as it were, from their world and refuse to talk with us or to see us, it is extremely painful. Because, as she says, she invested so much of her own life in the life of this daughter. In working and providing for her and all of that, and so you have to feel her her pain. You know, the the answer, of course, is different for different individuals. I have no idea, and apparently she has no idea as to why her daughter has cut her off.

She does mention the the caller mentions that in her own life she has not been an example. She didn't use that word, but I think that's what she was saying in how she has related to men, and I don't know exactly, you know, what that means. But that may be a part of the of her daughter's response. I don't know. That maybe she's seen her mother do what she felt was wrong, or maybe knew was wrong, and she doesn't want to be influenced by that.

And that her way, one of her ways, is cutting her off and just not being around her because she's married now and she wants to have a good marriage and and.

So I don't know what's going on in the mind of her adult daughter as to why she would make this step, but I do think as parents we have to give our adult children freedom. You do remember that the prodigal son also left home and cut his father off after his father gave him his inheritance. Before he before he died, he gave him his inheritance, and he wasted it in riotous living. That his father did not go out and try to find him and bring him back. He prayed for him.

I think the Bible doesn't say that, but I think he prayed for him. And he kept the farm going, so that when God brought his son to the end of the road in a hog pen, when he was feeding hogs and eating some of the meat, some of the things he fed the hogs. He, that adult son, came to the place where he said, "I need to go home, and I need to talk to my father, and I need to tell him that I am unworthy to be his son, but I need to see if he'll give me a job on the farm." You know, so we have to. Pray that God will work in the heart of our adult children, and bring them to the place that they will desire to have contact with us. And I don't know how long that son was gone, but I do know in today's world, I have dealt with people where their daughter, and sometimes their son, also has cut them off for several years, and that's very, very painful.

And every time they would send a message to them, a text or a letter, or there's never any response from them, and so we have to give them the freedom. You know, it's their choice. It's very painful for us, but listen, God is still with you. And and he wants to help you make the most of your life where you are now, and maybe you don't have an influence at this point on your daughter, but you can have a positive influence on other people. And so you you ask God, what do you want to do with my life at this point, rather than just living in despair, you know, for months and months.

Look for. What God would have you do with your life at this point, and continue praying for your your daughter that God will work in her heart. I think of our featured resource today, the the book by Stu Epperston. Thanks, living, for her. You know, she can't be thankful that her daughter is estranged now, but she can be thankful for exactly what you were talking about.

God, thank you for being close to me. You are near to the brokenhearted, so there is a way that you change that intentionally. Change that attitude of your own heart. Yes, you can lament. This broken relationship, but you can also be thankful for God, who stays closer than a brother.

You know, is that that ever close friend? That book is titled "Thanks Living" by Stu Epperson. You can find out more about it at buildingrelationships.us. Gary, here's another response call that I think is going to encourage someone listening, who might be dealing with depression in their family. Hi Gary, I'm calling about a.

It was a dear Gary back in April, and it was a man calling about his wife who suffered from depression. Years ago, I suffered from depression when my children were very small. I had always suffered from depression even before my kids, and my husband was working hand in hand with God and helping me get through it. He, he would let me just go and. Be in it.

He wouldn't try to fight against it, and so he taught me how to pray through it. When I would be in my room, not able to get out of bed, not able to do anything, he would teach me to just say, "Lord, I might be in this room by myself, and the enemy might be trying to use this against me, but Jesus is here with me, and He is between me and Satan." And that got me through, and that taught me the love of Christ. And a couple years later, I came to know Christ and give my life to Him. And our marriage is a gift from God. Our life now is a gift from God.

We are a very happy family. I haven't suffered from depression in many, many years. Our children have grown up without knowing a mom. In their older years of knowing a mom not suffering, but knowing a mom that is light and salt to the world because of the love of my husband during those hard times, and he was Jesus to me.

So I encourage that husband to be that to his wife, and she will make it through. Thank you.

Bye bye.

Oh, Chris! I'm so grateful that she called because that person and any other person that's listening that has a spouse that has depression needs to hear what this lady just shared. You know, in marriage, whatever one of us is going through, individual is going through. The spouse, we're we're there with them, and our question, if we're a spouse to someone who is depressed, is Lord, how can I best serve them at this point? And yes, we're praying that God will bring them through it, but we want to know how can I best serve them?

And one of the things I heard her saying was, He gave her the freedom. When she was just, she couldn't talk to anybody just to be alone. But he also really encouraged her to talk to God, because God is always there, and God wants to walk with us through that everything. I mean, the Scriptures are so clear on that that He want He is with us, and we want to acknowledge Him. And yes, we want to.

Pray that He will bring us through this and bring us out on the other side. But we want to enjoy His presence with us as we're suffering, going through that depression.

So, being understanding and being there to encourage them to to to acknowledge God. And of course, she said later she came to give her life to Christ.

So apparently, she wasn't a Christian even before that. But when a when a spouse is understanding rather than condemning. Because it's easy for a spouse to say to a depressed spouse, "Well, you need to snap out of this." I mean, it's not all that bad, you know. What you're concerned about is not all that bad. You need to snap out of it now.

I'm getting tired of this.

Well, you make it worse. You know, now they've got something else to be, you know, depressed about.

So we're there to be loving them in the midst of their depression. That's what God does, and we're God's human instruments. If we're married, to suffer with our spouse and to walk with them through the pain and the hurt that's there, and not condemn them and not preach to them of you need to do this and you need to do that.

So this this caller is an encouragement to anyone who who has a spouse that's going through depression. You said earlier that money finances, it's our money, it's not your money, my money, and it's the same here. The problems are not your problem. You need to be fixed. It's our problems.

And that husband that she's talking about just walked beside her, didn't try to fix her overnight, or didn't get frustrated. You know, I am getting tired of this, like you said. Just walked with her, encouraged her. And pointed her in a good direction, and it sounds like he didn't say, you know, if you don't get over this by next week, you know, and none of that. And look at what has happened in her life.

She said her her children, and this is not a prescription. You can't say that everybody's life is going to turn out this way. I don't think she was saying that, but she was saying the thing that brought her through this was his care, his compassion, and walk. Beside her, right? Yeah, because when we are when we're depressed, Chris, we don't need somebody to put us down and tell us we got to snap out of it and all that sort of thing.

That just makes it much worse because it's communicating. I don't understand you, and we don't. We don't. If you if you've never had depression, suffered from depression, you don't understand it, and we we can't we can't understand something fully we haven't been through. But to say, "Honey, I am with you." I want you to know I'm with you.

I'm going to stand with you, and if you think of anything I can do that would help you, I'm open to doing it. But in the meantime, I want you to if you if you feel depressed and you just need to stay in bed, then you stay in bed. But remember, God is with you in bed, and you can talk to God in in bed because He just wants to walk with you. He's going to be with you, and I'm going to be with you, and we we we're going to come through this. We're going to come through.

This not you're going to come through this. Yes, yes. That's what she said. That's how she ended. She ended with that note of hope.

It's like she's going to get through this, and she was saying that because that that was her experience. And we don't have time to be fair to another caller.

So can we just stop here? Would you pray for the the Couples going through some kind of a marital struggle, like we've heard in this hour, and maybe it's depression. We just pray for those couples listening today. Surely, Father, you know who's listening to this program today, and you know those who are struggling in their marriage and what they're struggling with. And we know that we're all imperfect.

And we all live in a sinful world, in a fallen world, and I pray that wherever they are in the journey, they will recognize first of all that you are the source of all help, and that doesn't mean, Father, we know that you heal all of us on every moment just because we ask to be healed. We know. But we know, Father, that as we walk through whatever, whether it's a physical or an emotional or mental, whatever the struggle, that you want to walk with us through that, and that you're going to walk with us through that, and that our relationship with you is so important. And I pray, Father, for every husband and every wife who may be living with a spouse who is going through some difficulty in these areas, that you would help them. To be your representative, and to stand there with them without condemnation, but with a heart of love, with an openness to do whatever they can, and to let them know that you are with them and that God is with them and that we are going to come through this.

Father, give them that heart, that attitude. I pray this for your glory and for their good. In the name of Christ, Amen.

Well, thank you for these calls here this hour. Your vulnerability is kind of the secret sauce because you're helping other people with your struggles.

So, if you want to ask a question of Doctor Chapman, write the number down. Give us a call: one eight six six four two four Gary eight six six four two four four two seven nine. And when you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see our Featured resource: The book we've been talking about this hour by Stu Epperson, "Thanks Living: Embracing the Power of Gratitude Every Day." Again, go to buildingrelationships.us. And next week, how can newlyweds love their first year of marriage? Mike Novotny provides some great guidance on that in one week.

A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Jennis, backing Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio and Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.